They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
