ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
