My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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