Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
