When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
