I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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