How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
