i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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