are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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