I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize