I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
