How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize