the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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