i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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