My liver just broke up with me...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
