haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
