I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
