Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
