My underwear smells like fireworks.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize