Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
