Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
