we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think my fart just growled at me.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
