if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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