Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
