you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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