Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
