i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
