so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
