I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
