Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
