This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
