I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
