Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize