Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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