I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
