Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
