I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Drunk is not a location!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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