Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
it glows. i had to have it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Randomize
