She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize