my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
