There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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