Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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