When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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