life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
