I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
