did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
