I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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