And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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