just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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