I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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