Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
