Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
PS: I just woke up from my shower
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
