Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I want a musical about memes.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
