Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
