Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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